Dear Condi
By Chris Fara1
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You probably don’t know me. I’m one of those reporters who nag your boss with petty questions about things like war and education. He never listens to me, but if he stuck around he’d see that I’m not always armed with loaded inquiries and slander. Just the other day I wanted to ask the President if he had seen that new movie, Miracle, but he ran back stage as if a fetus was under attack. I thought if we could get Iraq’s hockey team on the ice, like we did with the Soviets in the eighties, then maybe we would have a chance of succeeding. Oh well.
But back to you Leezza, which I think is a much better nickname than Condi by the way. The only drawback is that it rhymes with Sleezza, which, of course, would make you an even easier target for the Friday morning tabloids. On the same note, thanks for finally agreeing to testify before the 9/11 Commission. Be sure to research all those past comments, because this one really counts. Just don’t say that terrorism was a top pre-9/11 priority, or that no one could’ve possibly imagined Al Qaeda’s penchant for airplanes. Also, try to tame that tic of yours where you nod your head back and forth like you’re giving your lies fellatio.
A lot of us actually feel bad for you. It must suck being the face on a fib that’s putting an end to so many lives. Unlike your cronies, you hail from a reputable background, and it’s too bad that this administration used you as a hood ornament on their road trip to Iraq. I know that you’re one of the brightest people in your party, so you should’ve known that you weren’t qualified for a job that requires a certain amount of knowledge of the Middle East.
Since I’ve been such an asshole, I felt obligated to do at least one nice thing and inform you about the crap that’s being written behind your back. I noticed that Ann Coulter had quite the Condiscending piece on her site this week. Check it out at http://www.anncoulter.org/specials/topten.htm, since these are people who claim to be your adherents. The piece is titled, “Top Ten Other Judgments Dick Clarke Made About Condi Rice Based on Her, errr, Appearance,” and it’s a compilation of the first ten ethnic slurs that came to this particular neocon’s imagination. I just thought that you might want to know what Republicans really think of you, since it’s their words that Coulter is shoving down Clarke’s throat.
The sad part is that you’re the one left dangling over a credibility gap that’s bigger than the one between your teeth. If it makes you feel any better, most of us would much rather see one of your fabulist friends take the stand. Your boss gets to have Cheney answer questions with him, and the session won’t even be shown to the public. Up until now it looked as if you might have been able to get out in a year, do some speaking tours, play some golf, and maybe even return to academia. You should have bailed out with Ari, Paul, and Dick, before being put in the current situation where it will be illegal to bullshit. Sure there’s a chance that you’ll make it through this one untouched, but you’ll still only be as honorable as the company you keep in the executive branch.
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Chris FARA1 is a writer living in New York City. He can be reached at [email protected].
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2004 Me Three