Just 28 Weeks to Go: Solicitation without Representation
By Chris Fara1
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In recent months, certain members of the Democratic Party have replaced J. Crew and Paris Hilton as the most relentless trespassers in my mailboxes. Clinton, Kerry, and their cronies have launched a capital campaign to litter the kitchen counters and trash bins of their constituents. When you register to vote, the college kid with the clipboard should have to tell you that you’re signing up for a lifetime of harassment. To make it worse, you just have to give one twenty-dollar party donation, which in the end only covers postage for about five mailings a week.
Few things are more flattering than personalized letters from elected officials. John Kerry somehow knew that I “already worked hard to prepare our Party for victory in 2004.” He must have missed all the articles I wrote bashing phony liberals like him and Mrs. Clinton. But he doesn’t give a shit about what I’m doing, so long as I tithe to his cause for the next six months and keep my mouth shut. “You wanted campaign finance reform and you got it. Now cough up another fifty bucks.”
It’s all about the money, of course. Notes from DNC chairman Terry McAuliffe rarely get past the first paragraph without reaching in your pocket. If there’s one lesson to be learned from this e-mail democracy, it’s that the only way to participate is to throw down your Visa. Broke liberals are useless since none of the literature mentions other ways to help John Kerry rescue the White House. For some reason, the Democrats are ironically stubborn about bringing this campaign to the sidewalks of America. They want to do it by themselves, but with only our votes and c-notes. It’s a tricky scheme in which you pay up and lay low, and the lines of communication only go one way.
In order to get you on board, politicians resort to a pep-rally rhetoric that should offend Democrats who want answers. Campaign mail logic is that no policy is the best policy. They never bring up specifics because the Bush bash is enough to tackle the demographic. Instead of telling you how they would do things, they stroke your agenda in exchange for soft money. While Dick Cheney is touring NRA conventions firing at John Kerry, the DNC tells us that giving is “the single most effective step you can take to break the grip that George Bush has on the White House.” What they should do is stop with the greed and organize the troops, because it’s evident that the other side’s got their soldiers on the ground.
You don’t have to give money in order to support your candidate. Get a knife and threaten Republicans at the polls, or convince a cute friend to exchange oral sex for crossover votes. Tape the new Chris Rock special and send it to your conservative uncle in Greenwich, or just register in three states and triple your influence. No, but really, do something creative, because donating to the Democratic National Committee is like giving a stranger money to do your shopping with their grocery list. Sure it’s an excuse for being frugal, but putting a quarter in the machine and watching it do all the work isn‘t very democratic at all.
If we’re going to block while Kerry runs with the ball, then we should at least hold him to his promises. He’s pledged to “make health care affordable and available for every American,” and to “put worker and environmental protections in every trade agreement.” You would never know how he plans on pursuing these things from reading his letters, but it’s only clear that this is a guy who wants your financial support. Conservatives get their wishes granted when they give big bucks to the big boys, and pretty soon we’ll see if John Kerry keeps it real for the lefties who sacrificed their morals and caught his back for this monumental moment.
Maybe the Donkeys bomb our mailboxes just to prove that they’re capable of writing letters; I don’t think it would be believable if Republican voters got page-long pleas from the commander-in-chief. Last week, Bob Woodward broke news that Bush said his secretly-planned war could cause “enormous international angst and domestic speculation” - a sentiment so articulate that anyone who watched last week’s press conference would know that it could never have been uttered by this president, who’s more accustomed to tag lines and smear ads.
It’s probably better that Democrats spend dough on stamps rather than on an excessive number of campaign commercials. Money squandering is clearly more of a Republican tactic this election season. One has to wonder which naïve Bush-Cheney operative made the call to launch anti-Kerry spots on CNN. Only a FoxNews-frequenting redneck would swing because of a TV ad, which explains the strong right-wing presence during NASCAR races. On the other hand, letter writing can be an invaluable tool for rallying a conscious base, but it would be a lot more powerful if they wanted more than just our paychecks.
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Chris FARA1 is a writer living in New York City. He can be reached at [email protected].
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2004 Me Three