Fast Eats and Trash Beats at the Drive Thru Window
By Chris Fara1
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The next time you supersize it, your meal might be accompanied by an extra large cup of pop culture. For those who don’t eat on the run, be aware that big record labels have infiltrated the soda lids at your local fat food establishments. LidRock, a company with a concept lamer than its name, is on a mission to replace every to-go top in America with a compact disc. Right now the lids only fit on glutton-sized beverages, but there’s a chance that they’ll redesign them to be short and fat - like the customers. It’s a super deal if you dig bad grub and cheap music, or if you happen to own the business that will have sold 50 million of these gimmicks by the end of 2004.
Jeffrey T. Arnold is a millionaire who proves there are no bad ideas if you walk the walk in Gucci loafers. Before 2000, he was the CEO of WebMD, an online medical giant that he co-founded and floated to the top of the Internet bubble. Arnold knew it was time for a change after the boom, and he saw that change in a see-through soda lid that held coupons for customers. His premonition was music in such a lid, and the rest is disposable history.
To his credit, Jeff Arnold is a self-made man, which might lead one to believe that he’s playing a practical joke on obese Americans who gain weight in front of MTV. He earned the dough to bring this asinine concept to life, and has even recruited some heavy hitters to nurture it. While LidRock is successful, people should avoid treating Arnold like he invented the wheel…or even the compact disc for that matter. He’s right up there with the guy who looked at the donut and made the munchkin, and the first couple to do it doggy style- the hole was there, and he used his imagination to utilize it to the maximum potential.
Devout capitalists would probably argue that it couldn’t be a bad idea if the guy’s making money. What they should realize is that this inventor didn’t just call the infomercial with the caveman pushing around the wooden wheel. He was already a player, with millions banked off of sensible ventures. LidRock is the solo album you release when you leave the Beatles - not the single that you ride to the top. All Arnold did was give the music industry another way to distribute junk, and his spin is that it’s through more junk that the marketing is done.
These
special lids are sold at select movie theaters, fast food chains, theme
parks, and ball games. Sbarro has already gone platinum with Britney Spears,
and the new Avril Lavigne release will be on your next pizza platter.
Artists like Jessica Simpson and Ashanti will be around your straw in
no time, and KFC has recruited hits from Pharrell and Kelis to sweeten
up their self serve. The back end culprits are Def Jam, Arista, EMI, and
Universal, each of which has plenty of artificial artists for the masses
to gulp on.
Maybe the fast food and fast music companies deserve each other (if they’re
not already owned by the same people). They both have pre-sold audiences
that would buy shit in a cup if you marketed it right. While they’re
at it, maybe they’re interested in some other stones that could
kill a few birds at once. Imagine chicken nuggets that double as headphones,
or Big Mac wrappers with breaking news from People magazine.
The possibilities are as endless as the number of old songs that junk
food artists could rip off to make new hits.
Imagine how the guy who figured out that you could turn a soda can into a pipe feels. He probably never went to High Times, Dominos, or even Visine with hopes to commercialize the concept. It’s a bit different, but if weed were legal you’d be drinking Dr. Pepper out of a two-foot Pyrex bubbler. It’s painful to ponder how stupid Americans really are, but I find comfort in thinking about how many more units Beethoven could have moved if he had Burger King on his side. If that doesn’t work for you, then just sip back and hope this fad passes a lot quicker than a point guard in the left lane with a stomach full of Chalupas.
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Chris FARA1 is a writer living in New York City. He can be reached at [email protected].
©
2004 Me Three