August 4th, 2004
Bathroom Politics In the Bar
Aimee Bingham
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As a female, earning a living in a bar, I have observed, given, and received the female icy stare-down. In male terms, the icy stare-down is the equivalent of puffing out one's chest to intimidate the threat. A girl gives the stare-down when she wants to make the other girl feel insecure. It is body language for, "back off." Perhaps the victim has walked into a bar scantily clad, or seems a little too flirty. The stare-down occurs if the said starer just feels the other girl is prettier. It occurs nightly in every bar.
Unspoken rules dominate the bar. For women, one of the rules is that she must not mingle with women she does not know. It means that it is perfectly fine to speak with women in your group. It is also fine to speak with a woman you know from another group and befriend the women in said other group. However, a woman must never cross the boundary and be friendly with a female she has never met. There must be some connection. An infraction of the rule will likely result in the icy stare-down.
The women's restroom, however, is subject to a wholly different set of rules. There are three rules to women's bathroom behavior: question and compliment, comfort, and exchange of goods. The question compliment is fairly simple. You begin with the question which functions as the icebreaker. Questions range from where did you get those shoes to who does your hair. They are almost always followed by the compliment: your shoes are really cute. Or it can be followed by another question: does he charge a lot, and then compliment: I just love your highlights. This sort of exchange will happen between girls who have been giving the icy stare-down to each other all night. It may have even progressed from the icy stare-down to the lean into your friend and whisper and giggle. But what happens in the bar does not matter within the confines of the restroom.
Women's restroom comforting happens when one women is clearly in distress. Other women, upon hearing the sniffles of despair, rush from their stalls. The comforter will ask why the other girl is crying. Usually it’s the boyfriend. And no matter what, the comforter will respond with you are too good for him, look how pretty you are, he'll regret saying that when you're not with him, and/or you're the best thing that's ever going to happen to him. The bathroom comfort will occur even when said boyfriend has been drooling over the comforter all night and both girls know it. In the restroom it is all about female unity.
Finally, the exchange of goods takes place. The needy girl must verbalize her need, whether it is a tampon, toilet paper, a cigarette, or chapstick. She must do it in a whiney miserable way. It should start out with oh no and work towards what she needs. All the women in the restroom will search for the needed product and offer it up to the girl. It is somewhat an extension of the comfort rule. It is hard to say exactly why such a drastic change in female behavior occurs in the bar restroom. The change could be the result of a number of things. The fact that it is a place of forced openness due to lack of privacy is one option. The lack of privacy could foster a sense of intimacy which allows women to stop being territorial. Or women might be less nasty to each other because in the bar restroom, they are not in competition for men. The change could simply be the result of women's social conditioning. Regardless, the change exists and the rules tend to be steadfast.
Men, interestingly enough, have the reverse behavioral pattern. Through extensive research I have learned that men will strike up conversations with other men in the bar for no reason. Sports, cars, economics, politics, or interesting news stories are often discussed by total strangers. However, I am told upon entering the men's bathroom, all conversation must stop. If there are readily available urinals, men must put sufficient space between each other. Keep your head down, don't talk and never peek. Wash (or not) and return to your seat where conversations can once again be taken up with strangers while your lady friend engages in the icy stare-down with that hot girl dancing on the banquette.
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Aimee Bingham is a writer, bartender/waitress, wife and mother of two boys. She lives in Ann Arbor, Michigan and her work has appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Pindeldyboz, and The Ann Arbor Paper. She can be reached here.
©
2004 Me Three