Week Seven Homework:
Only two manuscripts to read….
Manuscript Number One: After getting through Jon’s second contribution, I couldn’t help but think of it as a movie tagline - If you liked “My Wacky Urban Life,” you’ll love “God, Are You There?”!
Jon’s second story was a lot like his first, just longer. How much longer? It was about 25 pages, about thrice the size of “My Wacky Urban Life.” (That was the problem with all those positive reviews. Students went home thinking everyone else in the class couldn’t wait to hear more of their tales. After all, they were the Next Big Thing – weren’t they? Our teacher was comparing them to Hemingway. She must want to read more. While I was all for giving them hope, I didn’t want their hope to affect my free time. Besides, whom were they kidding? It was obvious that if that class had The Next Big Thing, I was it.)
In any case, “God, Are You Out There?” contained more chapters filled with his youthful foibles, including anecdotes of girls he pretended to like, boys he pretended he didn’t like, and neighbors he told off (“You can just die and go off to Hell! That’s what you can do you old windbag!” Note: Maybe it’s just me, but young Jon sounds like Mr. Garrison from South Park) – At least that’s what the first three-quarters were about as I saw no need to go on. I already had my positive comment (“excellent character descriptions” – in truth, they were so cliched, I thought I’d already seen 10 movies about his youth and his neighbors, but one had to say something…) and several suggestions for revision.
The main problem I had was with his “voice.” Since the story took place when he was around 13 years old, and it was written in diary form, his voice was that of a 13 year old. Judging by the praise he’d received during his first critique, most people in the class clearly loved that choice (or they all chose the same something to say). It was “cute” and/or “charming.” Me? I found it annoying. (I guess I’m not ready for kids.)
If anything, “God, Are You Out There?” may be a decent story for the young adult gay market, though I can’t say how large that market is or if it’s even considered a market.
Manuscript Nubmer Two: This was the second part of “Gay Week at Gotham” and it featured more of Timmy’s untitled memoir regarding his coming out of the closet and his partner’s death from AIDS.
Since Timmy’s story took place in his twenties, his “voice” was older than Jon’s. Score one for Timmy. I also liked his narration better than Jon’s (“I can finish a cigarette in five miles. I know since I lit my Marlboro Light at the jean, Nevada 5 Miles Ahead sign [sic] and have just flicked out the butt as I reached the welcome to jean Nevada post”), if not his punctuation or lack of capitalization. I can see why Michelle thought Timmy was an ESL student (see Chapter 6).
Though I’d never read a Harlequin novel, I assume this is what they read like (just less gay):
“I wrapped my mouth instinctively around his, like a newborn cat finding its mother’s nipples. His lips were sweet with alcohol and his tongue was warm and smooth. Kissing him was like tasting chocolate for the very first time. I licked his ears and neck feeding my hunger for sexual fulfillment and satisfaction. I stuck my nose under his pits and licked uninhibitedly breathing in the manly smell that I would forever register in my mind as raw passion.”
Something about the word “pits” seemed out of place, but I worried that if I mentioned “I would get rid of the word ‘pits’ because it doesn’t sound quite right” either Timmy or Jon would start explaining that pit-smelling is huge in the gay community. I could see Michelle helping the tangential topic further along with some painfully grotesque (to me) story about her experiences with pit smelling.
Nope, better to go with “I’d spruce up the grammar.”