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Rating the Slate in the Granite State

By Chris Fara1

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I heard that some other Dennis Kucinich supporters hitchhiked up to New Hampshire for the events that preceded Monday's primary. For the love of “Kooch”, they willfully abandoned themselves to the slick shoulders of I-95 without cell phones or hopes of a warm destination. As for me - I drove up to the “Granite State” in a Dodge Caravan with two friends and four empty seats.

Although there have been plenty of idiotic distractions this political season - most notably the Golden Globes and Super Bowl XXXVIII - the people of New Hampshire came out in herds for the rallies leading up to 2004’s seven-way primary. I drove into the cold belt to watch these folks, and to observe the pundits, politicians, and “non-politicians” who quench America’s shallow thirst for sound bytes. My travels brought me to middle schools, firehouses, and town halls, which are, of course, perfect backdrops for snap shots and handshakes.

The majority of this account was written in Manchester, a typical New England city where they paved paradise and put up a Taco Bell. Ambitious politicians rent out offices in Manchester every four years to tell hard working New Hampshire people how their presidential administrations will put civilian interests ahead of corporate ones. By the end of my second night I was fortunate enough to be seen at Manch’s “Wild Rover Bar and Grill”, the Studio 54 of late January primary politics. I had a few hours to myself (before the other journalists and political geeks bombarded the place with rhetoric and campaign brainwash), so I was able to note some thoughts while watching muted candidate ads across the room.

Once campaign pukes filed into “The Rover”, it was nearly impossible to determine who was for whom. It was a good thing for bumper stickers and buttons, which were the only ways to distinguish us from one another. Badge-less bar-hoppers like me are always fair game for operatives, who work around clocks deciding for the undecided. I finally had to suck it up and affix myself with a “Clark 04, New American Patriotism” sticker, which I left on until that candidate’s rally the next morning.

Hanging at the bar was the most rewarding part of the trip, for more reasons than expected. The late night scene featured more than just the voters. Out and about I met the writers, producers, and directors behind the feature film that is Campaign 2004 - which has been in production for over a year. I rapped politics with young activists, who passionately back candidates whom they arbitrarily chose months ago. All this plus three-dollar drafts equaled the missing link behind the two-bit sideshows that attract voters in the daytime.

I never cared about finding the best candidate for the nomination, since that decision always comes from the fools who buy the best marketing plan. Had my own interests been addressed, then this whole spew would be about Kucinich, or my drunken paw slap with Liebermann at the bar where he came to take a shot for the cameras. My mission was to identify the winning strategy, and to highbrow all the bandwagon dingbats.

Most of the country is debating the Oscar nominations.  But I've got a few awards from New Hampshire for these thespians...

MAPLE SYRUP AND AMERICAN-ALBANIANS FOR CLARK

My first stop was a pancake breakfast for Wesley Clark. The Auburn Fire Chief ironically crammed his station full of people who supported the General, along with those who stood for free breakfast. While there was no chance of hearing Clark’s positions, or of scoring any flapjacks - it was still well worth the cold walk just for entertainment’s sake.

We’ve all heard about “Bush’s greatest export” (jobs) and seen Clark’s greatest failure (speaking) on television, but the scenes at his events mocked the credible press illusions on the tube. Busloads of “supporters” filled his crowds, and he recognized them by filling in the blanks of his small town, USA script. “And I would like to thank my supporters who have come all the way from ________ to join us here in _______,” Clark said to his cheerleaders, who held up signs that his campaign workers handed out. The fonted oak tags read everything from “Teachers for Clark” to “New York for Clark” to “Red Sox for Clark,” and were suspiciously hoisted by people who didn’t fit the bills (unless there really are female senior citizens on the New England Patriots).

Believe it or not - this country boy reps Hollywood too. Just check out how tight he rolls with Ted Danson and David Dinkins, two of the funniest actors from the 1980’s. The General even speaks for retarded Americans, a busload of which stood in front of the crowd screaming “U WES A” at the top of their lungs. I guess it’s a good thing that this presidential hopeful is bringing out the cognitively challenged to cheer him on, rather than putting them in electric chairs, but Clark still takes home this year’s trophies for Best Extras and Set Design.

HOWARD DEAN IN “THE COMEBACK KID”

From the looks of collegiates supporting Dean in New Hampshire, you would swear that he was endorsed by Nokia, North Face, and eyebrow rings. The newspapers were wrong - support for this heavily fertilized “grassroots legend” was as intense as I had imagined it from my couch on the West Side of Manhattan. I saw him at The Wentworth Hotel, a five hundred-dollar a night New England landmark that doesn’t exactly scream “Liberal Outsider.” It took a moment to ignore the aesthetic ironies of the whole thing, but I was eventually able to gather my thoughts while sneaking in through the basement.

The Deaniacs were friendly, and surprisingly comfortable with my invading the seats they had come early for. The Doctor was a half-hour late (typical) - but the crowd waited almost silently for their leader. Before Dean took stage three locals addressed the patient crowd - a supporter with a son overseas, a girl with a sob story about college, and a well-spoken Vermont hippie to ice the cake. Madness ensued when Dean finally appeared, and it became clear that most of his supporters haven’t been this excited since last time Phish came to town.

To his credit, Governor Dean did speak plans while most others spoke ideals. He knew the issues, and was prepared to wrap them up in cute analogies, if that’s what it took to drive it home. Dean cited conspiracy theories that your annoying friends flood your e-mail box with - like “the price tag on health care for all Americans would also be 87 Billion dollars.” He’s clearly the candidate who has done the best job remembering his lines, leaving him with Best Actor in this year’s prolific pack. His speechwriter gets Best Screenplay.

WHAT A NICE BOY THAT JOHN EDWARDS IS

The Senator from North Carolina was right on time for his meeting with the people of Rochester. He was able to get there promptly because like so many other Americans he had his Timex digital watch and Timberland boots on. John Edwards is a gentleman, a patriot, and ready to “Cut off Washington lobbyists at the knees.” This guy is too good to be true.

The meeting was in a school lunchroom, a space that only held about two-thirds of the people in attendance. Most of these “Town Hall” meetings and press-friendly events are deliberately overcrowded for the sake of promoting mania, even while the candidates affectedly brag about exceeded expectations. I stood behind CNN’s Judy Woodruff, who later that day played the clip of the tactfully cramped mob scene, which could have been comfortably held in the gymnasium down the hall.

But John Edwards is good with his fans, and he has them all regurgitating his “Two Americas” routine. He’s for workers, seniors, southerners, and Glenn Close, who for some reason rides his campaign trail. Edwards is almost as good at hypnotizing crowds as his psychic namesake, and he definitely took home the crown for Best Hair in New Hampshire.

JOHN KERRY - THE UNDERDOG WITH 38% IN THE POLLS

The bandwagon is the warmest place to be in New England this time of year. The Patriots are going to the Super Bowl, John Kerry has the polls under control, and people have for some reason associated the two prospects. Kerry’s supporters did emit an honest vibe that was lacking in other places. Their signs were brought from home, which is Massachusetts according to most license plates. They even cheered wildly, regardless of whether or not their views were blocked by the gigantic American flag that divided the gym.

Behind the red, white, and blue curtains were a slew of reporters - all of us listening for the same tired bits of propaganda. We heard Ted Kennedy give his last minute push, and Kerry’s stepson do his best Schwarzenegger. The first lady of ketchup even did a number, and proved that she is indeed more than a society girl from South Africa who got passed around debutante balls like a bag of coke. She’s married to a JFK too - this all sounds a bit familiar. I see a Best Supporting Cast award in this posse’s future.

John Kerry is a good candidate, and one who I’ve thought was strong from Day 1. It seems as if people are really warming up to him, which is a feat for a party that ran Al Gore in the last election. Veterans, workers, and even Gephardt supporters came out for this purple hearted, hockey playing windsurfer. It’s pretty sad to think that the two guys running for President could potentially be from the same fraternity, but not as sad as it would be to watch Bush bury the Democrats, the country, and eventually the world over the next four years. Kerry boldly belts, “Bring it on,” and it looks as if “they” may be able to engage his proposal awfully soon.

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I’m too young to know if this is how it’s always been, but I imagine that primary politics used to be more than a slew of smear ads, a neglect of issues, and a game for America’s marketing prodigies to scrimmage with campaign dollars. Essentially, there are two reasons why this reflection doesn’t address where any of the candidates stand on anything. The first is that I’m not going to write on something that people couldn’t care less about. Had I heard even one person talk about how John Kerry doesn’t attack “No Child Left Behind,” or about Howard Dean’s despicable stance on firearms then maybe I would have bored the rest of my readers with those silly little details. The other reason is that the candidates barely spoke about the issues at all.

I truly hate when commentators fill their thoughtless voids with rhetorical questions, but my trip to New Hampshire left me with a tape recorder full of unanswerables. Maybe this is a true democracy, since politicians do respond to the feebleminded demands of their constituencies. Why can’t Dennis Kucinich look like John Edwards (or even John Kerry for that matter)? Is my problem that I love politics, but hate the politicos? And did I have to freeze my ass off to figure out that a Vietnam veteran from Massachusetts would win the Super Bowl of American politics?

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Chris FARA1 is a writer living in New York City.  He can be reached at [email protected].

© 2003 Me Three