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The Hater’s Ball: Mark Grueter vs. Chris Fara1

MG: Kerry’s speech was mediocre as usual but the post-speech production was brilliantly done. “Beautiful Day” by U2 – there could not have been a better musical selection and the way they timed the sudden appearance of Edwards and then their wives was perfectly executed. My prediction, based on this week and despite my support for Nader, is that Kerry/Edwards will win in an Electoral College landslide, winning most of the swing states, including New Hampshire and Florida.

CF1: I’m glad that Grueter didn’t use his first spot as an opportunity to comically transcribe every word we just heard and read from the literature that was distributed two hours ago. I like Nader as well, but certain moments of the decorated veteran’s speech made me think thrice about how I’ll be pulling in November. Lots of nonsense as was expected, but there’s a certain amount of sentimentality that’s been mainlined in my figurative bloodstream all week. I watched the movie “Dave” this morning and damn near cried my eyes out. Please don’t hate me because I thought some parts of John Kerry’s speech were beautiful.

MG: Sentimentality, along with religion, is for the masses; it’s for the weak-minded among us, as Jesse Ventura once said (the only intelligent thing he ever said). Everyone, including me, is susceptible to the grip of sentimentality, but we must not allow it to take over our minds. Shun sentimentality; you’re better than that. And don’t ever use the word beautiful unless as a form of comedy. Don’t cry, you pussy. I cried at the film Young Guns, but I don’t admit it.

CF1: Mark just said that he “has no appreciation for sarcasm – it goes right over his head (sic)” My words are so ill that they would probably miss his dome piece as well – if he weren’t 6’2” with no sense of humor. Back to the sentimentality, since I’ll escape to my comic region when I get first class credentials in a few minutes - John Kerry does deserve some big ups for addressing at least <i>some</i> issues in his final call for the throne. I’m not talking about how he “will send a message to every man and woman in the armed forces,” because the Senator couldn’t do that unless he had blogger credentials. What I liked were the things that had to be said like, “I will close the tax loopholes that reward companies for shipping our jobs overseas.” Hopefully this site won’t be called “Yo Tercero” if he loses the election.

MG: “I will close the tax loopholes that reward companies for shipping our jobs overseas.” How brave of Kerry to propose such a radical, controversial view. Nothing like going out on a limb, whatever the fuck that means. The Democrats are very brave: they support education, family, values, hope and optimism. They are positively positive with their message. Ah, the sarcasm of sarcasm. Too bad there was no sarcasm voiced by any of the speakers this week. Humorlessness seems to be prerequisite for giving a speech at the Democratic Convention. But if you’re incredibly boring, like Wes Clark, you get top billing.

CF1: Maybe we are bloggers after all. The only difference is that nobody else gets a chance to throw in their pennies, which works out well since they’re all wrong anyway. Now that my sidekick has made it uncool and nearly impossible to support the views of four speechwriters, one millionaire wife, three paid pundits, and a team of smoothie chefs, I guess I have to stoop to his level and stand on a chair. For the Ipod (since records are outdated) – Mark supported Wes Clark while I stood firmly beside my boy Dennis. Now that they’re both just relics in the bowels of Democratic politricks – I take this opportunity to remind Grueter that Kucinich gave the best speech of the week while Wes let his neighbor with the fifteen flags on his front lawn write his words for the Democratic National Convention, and this is the last time anyone will ever give a fuck what him and his however many stars have to say.

MG: Kucinich must have a small dick to match his pygmy-like stature because if he had any balls he would have endorsed Nader over Kerry. Nader is the only anti-war candidate in the race so if Kooch were truly principled he would’ve obviously endorsed Nader. But no, Kooch is an opportunist just like every other politician. His speech was no less an exercise in mediocrity than anyone else’s. He spoke of One America and, you know, can’t we all just get along like any true phony. He seeks legitimacy for Dennis Kucinich, not for the beliefs he pretends to subscribe to. My flirtation with Wes Clark was an honest mistake. He’s a good guy, just not presidential, which I realize now.

CF1: I just saw the older brother from Goonies walk out of this bar. However, for me this “Good love is not good enough for the both of us.” I may be a phony, and I may be an opportunist, but I do believe in values. I believe in the 99 cent value meals that got me through this week, and I believe in the opportunity I had to use my freedom of speech to wave my press pass all week like it was a Cash Money medallion. Mark is behind me saying how he won’t be voting for either of the two candidates who have conventions going on during these boiling summer months. But regardless of how we may disagree on issue after issue and bar tab after bar tab, I’m just glad to be the one rocking the swift boat that he rode in on. We are condescending, we are pessimistic, we are critical, we are obnoxious, but above all we are Me Three. There goes a platform for all to follow.

Editor's Note: Anyone who doesn't vote for Kerry is crazy.

© 2004 Me Three