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Unconventional, Day 4:
A Top 20 List of Who’s What, When, Where, and Sometimes Why at Boston 2004

By Chris Fara1

Rumor has it that a lot of Internet readers suffer from severe attention deficits. If that’s the case, then enjoy a mental picture of me cranking this out with plugs in my ears, java in hand, and mucho amounts of Ritalin in my tummy. Today is especially for you - Here goes a rundown of the many heroes and villains who have made New England’s Gotham a super place to be for a wild week. Feel free to read them
all, or just scroll down to one you recognize. You’ll still get your daily dose of gonzo journalism, but in a way that doesn’t require a psychologist and a prescription to understand.

The Black Eyed Peas
Fresh off their first commercially successful album, this formerly
underground and currently awful rap quartet hit the podium to show
delegates and Americans that Democrats aren’t just friendly to
African-Americans, but also to those who trick out cars and wake us up after midnight. A good move by the donkeys regardless, as the unbearably cheesy “Where is the Love” always draws tears from some and hysterics from the rest.

Dennis Kucinich
Some Democrats have been accused of seeking the presidential nomination
in order to get a few words at the podium this week. Not Dennis
Kucinich. The proof behind his good will lies in the hearts of hundreds of
progressives who have made the long haul from a passion driven campaign
to the streets of Boston and the floor of the Fleet Center. When I
first heard he was in town, I began making excuses for not slaving in his
relentless pursuit of the bid. The truth is that I felt like a
deserter until I bribed the kid in the disabled section to let me stay within
reach of my candidate’s ten minutes of national recognition. For the
sake of not alienating moderates and readers who are against progressive
values, this paragraph will be cut shorter than it should be. Just let
it be known that Dennis raised the roof for those “who build bridges,”
as well as those “who sleep under them.” My man also showed his nuts
to the crowd, and reminded us that“Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11.”
Poverty and joblessness are weapons of mass destruction, and I’m just
happy that there are at least fifty thousand people who are enlightened
enough to cheer when they hear that truth spoken.

The “Black Chick” from The Apprentice
I’m sure she has a name, but that’s what all the reporters were calling
her last night as we watched her enjoy a seat and luxuries that we were
not so fortunate to have. Of course some of them knew what her name
was, but you’d have a better chance of one of the writers admitting they
knew the name of that god damn kid from The OC. With all of our pads
and pens drawn, we were unsuccessful at finding out what the hell she
was doing on the floor of the DNC. Maybe Trump’s making a move to buy
Boston.

Dave Barry
Anyone who thinks Dave Barry is funny probably doesn’t get invited to a
lot of parties. All week, comedy writing’s leading loser is penning
for the National Journal, which happens to be serving as my road map
around Boston. Not that I would mind selling millions of books to people
with impalpable senses of humor, but I’ve actually been reading his
column to find out which clichés and bad jokes to avoid. He also has a
haircut that my guido cousin finds funny.

The Mayor of Alexandria, VA
During the twenty minutes I spent around Bill Euille, he participated
in absolutely no offensive activity. He didn’t curse and spit, or even
punch a reporter in the face. I wasn’t looking for him to get rude,
but his sidekicks were making sure I didn’t get the wrong impression of
the gentleman. They scoped out my laptop, asked me for credentials, and
even confiscated a Me Three business card upon my offer and volition.
I know nothing about the Mayor, and he was more down to earth than Alf
in Chris Rock’s clothing, so my only problem is that he has cohorts who
think they can curb the rants of an Internet punslinger.

Randall Terry
It’s uncharacteristic of an alternative website to mention this (or
any other) pro-life lunatic more than once in a single week, but the
“best of" list would be incomplete without his presence. He’s the one who
ignored the “free speech” cage boycott and rolled with the least
intimidating gang in town. Along with kids, AARP members, and anyone else
with a penchant for intolerance, Terry brought his message to the
Palestinian streets outside the Fleet. He gets recognition here because of
a dynamic stage charisma that makes him sound intelligent - until the
bloody fetus signs get raised.

The Locals
Bostonians may act as if they’re angry about our presence, but if it
weren’t for the convention they’d be nursing their hangovers from
cubicles instead of the couch. With half the city off for the week, and
over 30,000 writers and reporters in town, the local barkeeps and pub
owners are closing in on the sort of profits they haven’t seen since drunk
driving was outlawed. I read the articles about how retail outlets
have been coming up short, but the city as a whole should be proud to have
us here. All we’ve come to do is make it honorable again to be the
only state that gave McGovern the nod in ’72, and anyone who wants
otherwise can sublet my place in New York for the last week in August.

Adam Mandell
I couldn’t resist high-fiving this old friend who’s been on the
alternative beat since the record hit the turntable. He belongs to a small
group of law students who are studying up for proper reasons, and who
have been providing colorful alternatives to the DNC all week long. Here
at Me Three we don’t do generic profiles of anybody, regardless of how
dedicated they are to any particular cause, but this 2015 Supreme Court
hopeful deserves a thumbs up. He may even hook you up pro bono when you
get locked down for spitting at BPD.

Pizzeria Regina
If you’re looking for the best pie in Boston, then don’t ask anyone
from Boston. Chances are they’ll send you to Pizzeria Regina, where you
can buy a greasy mess of cheese and dough that locals hail is “The Best
Around.” Forget that three employees filed complaints for harassment
last year, because we ran into sexier problems. There are places in this
city where the waitresses are encouraged to wreck shop, like Dick’s
Last Resort and Durgin Park, but nobody deserves the treatment this writer
got at Regina’s. I was reprimanded for plugging in my electronic
devices, and if I listened you’d be reading the Times right now.

Lewis Black
Republicans can say what they want about showbiz pundits like Lewis
Black, but while they back The Terminator as Cali’s front man, The Daily
Show’s honcho outspoke at the Brady bunch’s high profile gathering of
humans who support the renewal of President Clinton’s ban on assault
weapons. The comedian may stutter like an automatic rifle, but his comedy
was well received by Steve Buscemi, Ted Kennedy, and the many others
who toasted to a necessary calling. The suited crowd reacted well to
Black’s seizuresque comedy, particularly when he shot bulls eyes like,
“I’ve never had an attraction to guns. I’m Jewish – so basically even
tools are out.” You might not read about this exclusive shindig in many
other places, but you can always count on the peaceful infiltrators at Me
Three to charm our way past a few velvet ropes every now and then.

The Purple Shamrock Bouncers
For those off you unfamiliar with the Boston barscape, The Purple
Shamrock is a place where you wouldn’t want to get caught wearing pastels.
Less than a mile from the convention, the patrons there are mostly
clueless that there is something bigger than a Celtics game going on in
town. I was told at the door that backpacks weren’t allowed in, which is
an effective strategy if you want to lock out the business of more than
thirty thousand members of the press. They must have a rule against
literate people drying up their taps, which is an obstacle they won’t be
running into any time soon.

The Hawaii Delegates
Thanks for the Hawaii-spitality. My first night in the ring was beside
these peacefully tanned visitors, who had no problem with me hitching
along. They offered this unknown reporter a seat, and even showed me
what it was like to get laid. Many of them were sporting the pink peace
du-rags that the Kucinich people have been handing out all week, which
only further confirms my hope to one day be a delegate from that
rainbow state of bliss.

Teresa Heinz-Kerry
Of course it’s no surprise that she’s here. If she weren’t, then right
wing reporters would have even better reasons to break out the heat
seekers. The millionairess is smart enough to know that she has no reason
to conceal her attitude, which will hopefully rub off
on the campaign that she’s partially funding. In reality, she can’t
just say whatever she thinks, so I’ll say it for her. If you want a first
lady who hasn’t satisfied her husband in ten years - then vote for
George Bush, but if you want a woman who can take a deep breath and
experience life - then you’ve got no choice but Mrs. Ketchup.

Michael Moore and Bill O’Reilly
Never thought you’d see those two headstones in the same cemetery?
That’s right – the kings of the wings had a duel after headbutting on the
perimeter of the convention hall. Whether you saw it on television,
read about it in the paper, or felt the actual heat of the conversation;
their eight minutes of fire was one of the hottest moments this week.
Unable to agree with each other on anything, particularly the crazy
notion that Bush lied, all they O’really did was create a stir over
nothing. Bill should have just let Mike sit on his face, because it would
have been a lot less embarrassing than having his ideas squashed in front
of America.

The Bloggers
Big big shout outs to all the Me Three readers. Our time here has been
bittersweet - leaning heavily toward the sugar, but thanks to you the
word is finally out. Today we’ve been made by a myriad of blogfathers,
who have given us the links to shine amongst the seasoned journalists
who are credentialed here as “bloggers.” On a positive, two young men
who came to DNC 2004 with empty hard drives will be exiting with solid
portfolios and thousands of new readers. And while the others haven’t
endured the segregation we’ve rallied against, it’s evident that their
courtesy hits will expire when the week is through.

Well-Dressed Reporters
You guessed it – Mark and I are not card-carrying members of this
group. I arrived with a backpack full of polos, and by now it’s obvious
that I’ve been recycling threads and mixing and matching outfits. Despite
less than plush accommodations at the hall, most old school writers
rock suits with pinstripes that barely match up. As for the pad and pen
toting high maintenance women around town, I just can’t figure out how
they hang on the late night keyboards with all that polish on their
paws.

The Missing Utah Woman
No – I didn’t see her stealing packets of oyster crackers from the
Legal Seafood buffet last night. She just comes into the picture because
she’s been getting the only national news outside of the convention. If
Republicans wanted some prime time this week they should have done
something positive. I guess they didn’t learn their lesson when Paul
Wellstone was murdered and it barely made the news.

Barack Obama
Only in a great country can a man with a name like Obama be a
Senatorial candidate for at least one of the parties. Even though he’s running
virtually unopposed in Illinois, the Dems are giving him a push not
seen since your little sister was standing next to that alligator pit.
There is a group in town that calls themselves the “Obama Watchers,” and
my guess is that there is a group of “Obama watcher watchers” making
sure this potential first African American President gets some bad press
to curb the enthusiastic reception to his keynote presence. It’s rare
that special people get the attention they should, but in this case
it’s a well-deserved and highly credible gesture.

Alex Urevick, Me Three Information Technology Director
Mad props to the man behind the scenes. Between my initial inability
to get this laptop on line, and Mark’s dinosaur of a keyboard, none of
this would have been possible without our resident boy genius. Alex’s
job is even more thankless and payless than the rest of ours, so the
least we could do is prop him up in the world that he’s been helping us
log on to all week.

Ann Coulter
For those of you who think I occasionally step out of line, please head
to anncoulter.com and smell her latest fart titled “Put the Speakers in
a Cage.” The piece was tastefully axed from USA Today, most likely because of everything she wrote. The first line cleverly calls the DNC the “Spawn of Satan Convention,” and makes well-researched claims like “Only five percent of all government employees aren’t useless.” Ann seems to think that conservatives here on the scene have certain cues of signaling each other in and around the Fleet
Center. If I may step down to the depths of hell for a moment, and smack it
up on her level, I will suggest that the only signal they’re picking up
on is the rancid breath that bulimic bitch has been exhaling around
town. Hey Coulter – C U Next Tuesday.

Chris FARA1 is a writer living in New York City.  He can be reached at fara1andonly@netscape.net.

© 2004 Me Three