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2004
Commencement Address, Kettleworth College
You've All Regressed Over the Past Four Years
By Chris Fara1
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Welcome dignitaries, members of the board, fellow faculty, students, family, friends, and most of all - the class of 2004. It’s been four years since most of you entered the hallowed halls of Kettleworth, and I can still remember the puzzled looks on your first day of orientation. You arrived confused, anxious to quench your curiosity at one of South Eastern Connecticut’s top liberal arts colleges. And now you have made it here. Let me put it this way - none of you will ever have to sling burgers and shakes for minimum wage.
Sorry that you bastards have to listen to me spew this ridiculous speech. After fourteen years of this crap, I don’t think anyone’s ever noticed that I barely change the words. I don’t know the name of one of these graduates, except for that little Jenny Dupree with the big tits in the front row. Most of you never gave a shit about one paper, test, or class you had at this fifth rate haven for the sons and daughters of rich assholes. I can’t believe half of you drunken fools even made it out of bed this morning. If your parents weren’t loaded you’d be blowing the manager at Denny’s for spot on the night shift.
Ever since 2001, the world has been a different place. Some of our friends are in Iraq, some of them passed in the World Trade Center, and some of them worked in the World Trade Center and have thrilling stories about how they called in sick that morning. The world is divided, yet here at Kettleworth we have managed to stay together. In this schism - we must struggle to find which path leads us to success, and figure out how to sprint down it in the short amount of time that you spend here in the valley. I am confident that you have all found your direction, and are prepared for the challenges and obstacles that await you in the journey of life.
You would think that after a tragedy like 9/11 some of you would take something seriously. Instead - you spent your time taking bong hits and swallowing morning after pills. I’ve never known an admissions process that held lower standards. How any of you will ever get a job or raise a family, let alone keep your job and feed your kids, I don’t know. If anything - you’ve all regressed over the past four years, but I would like to thank your parents for paying your annual forty thousand dollar cover charge. There’s no chance that most of you will ever accomplish anything worthwhile, which will put you up there with just about every other ski bum dipshit who has a Kettleworth degree next to their Senior Frog’s t-shirt on their bedroom wall.
In life, the first thing you must do is figure out what makes you happy. If you love swimming you should swim, and if you love teaching you should teach. There’s no use in wasting your time, as the courageous road to self-realization has no pit stops. I once knew a young man who was unsure of what he wanted to do upon his college graduation. He said to me, “Dean Rice - I have no idea what I want to do after my college graduation.” I said to him, “You can do whatever you want if you believe in yourself.” Let me tell you graduates - that man is now Senator John Sununu of New Hampshire.
Being
the spoiled bunch of little pricks that you are - I’m sure
that you’re all off for a month of graduation parties, followed
by a year in Aspen, which will conclude with a road trip to New Orleans
and at least one cosmetic drug related arrest. God - I almost crack
up every time I say that “courageous road” nonsense. Judging
by the lack of know-any in this group, my guess is that at least two of
you will go into politics. This one moron who graduated here is a New
Hampshire Republican scumbag who did three freshman girls when he was
up for a board meeting. I should have told him that statutory rape wasn’t
included when I said he could “do whatever he wanted.”
I won’t go on and on. The reason I speak today is to remind the
graduates that they will always have a home here at Kettleworth. There
are many quotes I can choose from to describe your move away from this
home, but one in particular seems most appropriate. It comes from one
of my favorite Beatles songs, in which a young man reminisces about the
place that made him the person that he has become. “There are places
I remember, in my life, though some have changed. Some forever, not for
better. Some have gone, and some remain.” I hope that your alma
mater remains close to your heart, and may you all have the best of luck
in your future endeavors.
I think this fat guy in the front row is passing out. Sure - these kids can return to Kettleworth - so long as they can scrounge up forty large a year. Maybe the art history majors will want to come back and learn something useful. How do I end this painful onslaught of bullshit without puking on the graduates? Here’s something they might understand better than the Beatles: “Shorty crunk on the floor wide open, skeet so much they call her Billy Ocean, she’s leakin’, she’s soakin’ wet, shake it like a saltshaker.” Please continue to shake it like a saltshaker, and for shit sakes try not to fuck up the planet too much.
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Chris FARA1 is a writer living in New York City. He can be reached at [email protected].
©
2004 Me Three