Click here for info on the Print Journal (and to purchase your copy)!

Culturally Speaking #30

By Mark Grueter

---------------------------------------

Continuing the tradition established by such films as Freaky Friday, The Parent Trap, and Like Father Like Son, this week Mark Grueter and Sarah Stodola have switched places.  Just for today, Grueter is the guy who does that Culturally Speaking column, and Stodola is that gal who covers the presidential campaign on Mondays (but just for one Monday, this Monday).  The difference is, they are not twins and there is no father/son or mother/daughter relationship involved and this didn't happen because they hate each other and need to learn to value their relationship.

They'd be more than happy to discuss the sale of the film rights...

* * * 

If you’re planning on catching Fahrenheit 9/11 this weekend, prove you’re not a liberal dupe by reading Christopher Hitchens’ 4300 word thrashing of the film afterwards. Toward the end of his critique, Hitchens challenges Moore to a no-holds barred public debate: “Any time… Any show. Any place. Any platform. Let's see what you're made of.” I emailed Moore to see if he’d take up the offer. No reply so far.

* * *

Hey, everyone should read Sarah Stodola’s new short story on Eyeshot. Why? Because it’s damn good and her characters have old-school names: meet Rizzie and Nolan.

* * *

I’ve been visiting a few suburban areas in our country over the last month and have to say that I’m shocked at how disgustingly fat people have become. Most people that live in suburbs are either fat or old, or both - that’s been my general observation. I was in an establishment called the Longhorn Steakhouse the other day, which I took to be a chain restaurant of some description. I brooded over a “Texas Tornado” margarita as I watched our nation’s pioneers bloat and sate themselves on gristle, sweet potato and Budweiser, while consigning the world’s poorest to yet more misery.

Hence, this sinister trend toward hyper-dieting. Everyone seeks a quick fix, liposuction, or failing that, one of these Atkins-type, Key West, South Dakota diets or whatever. And like vegetarians, these carb-obsessed slobs are inflicting the rest of us with their awful food: wheat pasta, sugar-free ice cream, fat free yogurt, etc. Try finding regular, whole-milk yogurt at your local food store. It’s not easy. Everything is either fat free or low fat these days. I couldn’t find any whole-milk yogurt in my Brooklyn neighborhood so I wrote a letter to the yogurt company Stonyfield Farm (I like their French Vanilla) requesting direct shipments of the stuff. (By the way, if you have trouble with canker sores, eat yogurt every other day and you’ll never get them again).

* * *

Beastie Boys are back with their best album since 1992’s Check Your Head. The new songs remind us of a time when rap music used to be good. The cover of To the 5 Boroughs features a great illustration of Manhattan by Matteo Perocoli, World Trade Center towers included. And the lyrics to the tracks are riddled with NYC references.

* * *

Yet more evidence of people, in this case the psychology profession, stealing my ideas…Happiness is overrated. Yeah well, I’ve been saying that for years.

* * *

Everybody knows that people change under the influence of drugs or alcohol. But did you know that people change under the influence of chewing gum also? It’s true. Just give your friend a piece of gum and watch as his/her personality changes. A certain swagger will immediately take over, the number of sarcastic remarks might increase as your friend’s general disposition becomes at least slightly more arrogant.

* * *

I cannot understand why it’s so difficult for conservatives to understand why the two U.S. soldiers who fled to Canada are perfectly justified in doing so. They (the conservatives) say that for an all-volunteer army “desertion” cannot possibly be justified. And that makes sense until you think about it for a moment. The soldiers didn’t realize what they were getting into when they enlisted. Public education and the media mislead us into thinking America is a just and fair country.

These two guys naïvely joined the army, imagining that it was a worthy institution that would not recklessly place lives in jeopardy. As soon as they came around to the darker view that the war in Iraq was a terrible blunder, they sought to leave the military, first, legally, then after being denied, illegally. In other words, they didn’t join the army as antiwar activists. The army turned them into antiwar activists. I’m personally very proud of them for doing what they felt was right and I hope they live long, healthy lives as Canadians. The Village Voice gives their full stories here.

* * *

Hey Dick Cheney: Go Fuck Yourself! On Thursday the Vice President of the United States shouted "Fuck You!" to Democratic Senator and White House critic Patrick Leahy on the floor of the Senate. At least a dozen startled senators, along several others, witnessed the spectacle. Evidently, Cheney confronted Leahy, asking him why he was being so critical of the vice president's connection to Halliburton. An argument ensued and then ended with Cheney’s expletive.

I am personally glad to see the use of profanity making its way back into the public square, where I think it belongs. And I guess the White House shouldn’t have waxed sanctimonious after John Kerry told Rolling Stone Magazine last fall that he didn’t realize Bush would "fuck up" the war in Iraq so badly.

Click here for last week's Culturally Speaking.

---------------------------------------

Mark Grueter is a writer living in New York City and the Managing Editor of Canon Magazine. He can be reached at [email protected].

© 2004 Me Three