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Ever since Will Leitch announced that he’d be ending his column at the end of March, Me Three has been searching for a columnist who might replace Life as a Loser on Mondays. The search for a worthy replacement has proved more difficult than imagined, to say the least; this is a testament both to Leitch’s talent, as well as some really strange columns suggested by some really strange people. The problem has not been a lack of interest - we were surprised by the quantity of column ideas submitted. It’s the quality of the columns that we found troubling. So, in homage to the Me Three Columnist Search, we hereby present:

Top Ten Rejected Me Three Columns

1) Shakespearean Sonnets for Bush
By Tucker Carlson

I love how Bush hates gays who get their vows
I don’t think they should be allowed to mate
It’s my belief that only girls get plowed
Being gay is a choice and not a fate

I also like how Bush sent troops to fight
This guy knows how to defend his country
I saw him in that suit after his flight
We got Saddam and now Iraq is free

2) Celebrating Adam Sandler’s Greatest Accomplishments
By Charlie “Happy” Krizanski

Airheads, though not always discussed at Sandler roundtables, is certainly one of his finest films. In less than two hours, the masterpiece transcends the genres of rock, rebellion, and of course, comedy. Alongside Buscemi, Frasier, and Applegate, Mr. Sandler conducts the performance of his career, as a water-gun toting madman on the fringe of insanity and hilarity. Some have said that his work was finished at that juncture, but I think we can all agree that it would have been a dreary moment for the American Cinema has those predictions been correct. Please join me in my letter writing campaign to get Adam on Inside the Actor’s Studio. I can live no longer without knowing what he would request at the pearly gates.

3) Me Threesomes
By Phil Ashio

You always run into some major issues when you have intellectual sites supporting ffm pornography. I ran into a similar problem at Salon.com when they ran my piece on squirrel genitalia. This week’s victims were Ruth Less and Barbara Boing, both of whom are veterans of such esteemed sites as bangbus.com and dirtylatinamaids.com. The two hit it off immediately, and even tried to cut me out of the equation a couple of times. They were surprised when I told them that Me Three had no photographs, and that I would be recording the fornication in my note pad. There were no problems though, and it didn’t stop anyone from asphyxiating me with the anal beads that I found in a trash can on West 4th.

4) The Drama Continues: Exposing the Conspiracy behind the Murder of Biggie Smalls
By Handle yo Bizness

I know he’s still alive son. The other day I was bumpin’ this shit - and I know homeboy was singin’ the hook on that joint. And I know what you thinkin’ - “How’s that mutha fucka gonna get up in the studio without not one other mutha fucka seein’ him?” Let me tell you somethin’ bitch - when you Biggie Smalls you be havin’ ya own mutha fuckin’ studio son. Just another word to all you fools out there frontin’ on my man - show love - and watch out fo’ that new shit next month. One.

5) Just 1,560 Days Left: On the 2008 Campaign Trail with Wesley Clark
By Mark Grueter

H.L. Mencken once said something about how there is no such thing as failure if you truly have no idea what you’re talking about. It’s been another successful week on the Clark campaign, which has hit the retirement community with a vengeance unseen since Pearl Harbor. The General has convinced a number of World War II vets that John Kerry once desecrated the same military that he claims to honor, and to cover all his bases, he has also reminded them that Bush is a gutless deserter. While it may be a complete waste of time to address constituents who will be dead in four years, I think, it is still clear as glass to anyone who is not an invalid that Wes is great in 2008.

6) The World’s Wackiest Mac-n-Cheese Experiments
By Boyd Rathbone

I thought this column would be over when I finally used every brand of mac and every orphus on my body. It’s a good thing I forgot about my pee hole dude. After a brainstorm, which is what I call it when I smoke weed with my ass, I figured out how to get this shit into my dick. At first there was nobody around with a camera - so I remembered it on my girlfriend’s tape recorder. Boy is she gonna be pissed off. Holy shit - that shit was hilarious. It’s a good thing I have a column too.

7) Live from SUNY Binghamton: Decorating your Dorm Room
By Bif McGreenwald

This cunt was in my room the other night and she had a problem with this naked broad I got on the wall. Must be one of them fuckin’ feminism studies classes. My dad says every bitch goes through this kind of shit, but he never said it would happen this early. My boys over in the suite across the hall had this one on all fours trading blow jobs for beers two months ago and now she’s all pissed off about my poster. I guess the moral of the story is that you should get those priorities straight. I’m gettin’ one of them John Belushi posters over at the bookstore. You know, the one where he’s got the College shirt on with the Jack Daniels.

8) Another Day on the Falafel Delivery Route
By Edgar Edgardo

Ever since I got fired from the pizzeria it’s been tough. I had to change the name of my column, and the apartments that I deliver to all smell like hippies. At least there used to be the outside opportunity that I’d run into a hot chick on my route. Now, I wouldn’t even think about getting on one of those stinky vegans. I was always told that you just put your head down, walk up those stairs, and deliver that food regardless of what you’re thinking. That was from Ricardo at the Laundromat. I’d like to see him haul forty gyros and twenty-five sides of hummus through Williamsburg and up six-stories.

9) Cry of the Roast Modernist
By Chris Fara1andOnly

I’m a left-wing punslinger with an arsenal of abusive punch lines and sarcastic mockery. Pissing in America's Stream of Consciousness is my collection of passionate critiques and essays that I'm constantly in the process of producing. And now, I’d like to turn Pissing into a column for Me Three. My mission is to lunge at deserving targets that are of everyday interest to college and post-collegiate audiences. I present a new breed of cultural critic, unleashing a fresh brand of polysyllabic pontification. I’m the voice that hasn’t been read yet - the 23-year-old roast modern cynic who simultaneously furnishes the young and dumb with laughs and head nods.

10) Me and the Crazy Things I Think About
By “Crazy” Al Stone

What if pizza came in a bag? That’s just one example of the type of crazy things that I think about on a daily basis. What if my shoes had roller blades that popped out of the bottom? I know they make them for kids but how about regular guys like me? I need to get around too! On the bus the other day I was thinking, “What if this bus could fly?” If that happened we wouldn’t have to wait in traffic anymore. I bet I was the only wacky person on the bus thinking things like that.