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Week Five Homework Assignment:

Manuscript Number One – Helen the Drama Queen’s piece, “Just Another Day” was a couple of chapters from the full-length memoir she was writing about her dysfunctional childhood.

The first line read, “I was eight years old when I burned down my house.” My guess is that that was when the family became dysfunctional. Apparently, after the fire incident, her father didn’t look at her for a month. He sounded like quite the peach. Anyway, the story went on to recount other glorious memories, such as when her drunken boyfriend totaled her car (with her in it), and her 19-year-old sister’s pregnancy, which didn’t stop her sister from doing drugs.

Her grammar and overall writing was definitely better than most in the class. In addition, her story was interesting; even, dare I say, book-worthy.

In a way, it was a feel-good story. Not because she overcame her discouraging childhood to make a good life for herself, but because it made me feel better about my lame childhood. Being forbidden by my mom when I was 10 from attending a classmate’s birthday party due to my cat allergy didn’t seem so bad anymore. Neither did taking the school bus with third graders when I was in sixth grade due to her fear of me crossing the street unaided. Okay, memories of those brightly colored paisley shirts with striped sweater vests and plaid pants will always sting, but it’s still better than burning my house down.

Then again, she’ll probably get a book deal thanks to her upbringing. All I’ve gotten is the ability to brag that I kept my virginity until I was 23.

Manuscript Number Two -- Brought to us by Ann, “Be Careful What You Wish For” may sound like the title of every episode of The Twilight Zone, but in fact, it’s the title of her memoir about life as a Broadway dancer.

Though I prayed she would entertain me with tales of backstage catfights and include soft-focus shower scene photos (okay, maybe I’ve seen Showgirls one too many times), the chapters we read were slightly more subdued, describing an audition she went on and the day her boyfriend dumped her.

Perhaps partly due to my disappointment over her choices of subject matter, I found it boring. Though I can see how the life of a Broadway dancer could be interesting, either hers wasn’t or she wasn’t giving us the good stuff. Also, I didn’t get a feel for any of the characters. They all seemed to sound alike.

In addition, her dialogue was awkward. For example, when her boyfriend compliments her on what a wonderful person she is, she replies, “Why thank you Joseph, that’s very sweet of you to say.” Although he didn’t reply, I imagined her writing, “Why thank you for thanking me Ann. Very lovely of you to do so.”

Manuscript Number Three – Distributed by Rhonda, “An Italian Love Affair” was about a fling she had while vacationing.

Reading this reminded me of a conversation I had recently with a friend whom I force to read my essays. She told me she could totally see me saying the things I voice in the stories. In fact, she hears my voice in her head while reading them. I’m not sure that’s a good thing, but I agree that if you know the author, and if the story is about them, it’s virtually impossible not to hear the person’s voice when reading it. In Rhonda’s case, this is not a good thing.

Thanks to her Brooklyn or Staten Island accent that is slightly more grating than a subway train, I found myself cringing while reading her entire essay. When I wasn’t cringing thanks to her voice, it was due to her choice of adjectives.

Her descriptions made me think she’d read about ten too many Harlequin romance novels. Not only were we told ad nauseum how “sinewy” and “boundless” his arms were, but she even described them as “velvet-skinned.”

Is that considered a good trait for arms? Rock-hard? Yes. Python-like? Sure. I’ll even give you “smooth.” But velvet-like? I can’t help but picture grade school children pointing at the kid with the velvet-skinned arms and taunting him with chants about how closely he resembles a muppet.

Hmmm, I guess my childhood could have been worse.

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