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Pond
Scum: The Fit And Busted
(Or, Understanding the U.S. via F. Scott Fitzgerald)
By Steve Finbow
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George W. Bush smiles at the most inappropriate times. “Mr. President, sir,” says Richard Myers, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, “300 U.S. Marines have been poisoned by a new terrorist brand of sodee pop, called Coke al-Qaeda.” Eyes so close together they're almost cycloptic, simian ears, Bush grins and burps. He grins and frowns. It's as if he's forgotten a joke beamed to him at an inopportune time by a spectral Bob Hope. “Texas has fallen to the North Koreans, Mr. President.” Dubya smirks, his eyes lit with the philosophical comprehension of a peppercorn. His ears – remember Debbie the chimp from Lost In Space? His thoughts drift around like dandelion seeds in a B-2 hangar.
Art by Nicholas Allanach
I loathe breaking into these new civilizations. How long a stay this time?
What of the other main players? John Kerry has been likened to Sam the Eagle, Herman Munster, and a horse, but during the first debate, it was Bush who had the long face. Kerry's intellect won that battle. Kerry's arguments circled Bush like an eagle tracking a prairie dog. Bush’s intelligence is “a shameful and obscene thinness glistening on the surface of the world like oil on a clean pond.” Bush looked ill prepared. Actually, he looked plain ill – maybe he'd eaten a pretzel before coming on stage. Kerry looked presidential – grizzly-coiffed and prognathic. It’s a wonder the Republicans haven’t fingered Kerry as a Muslim inveigler because of that crescent-shaped face. John Edwards got all humorous with the other great prognathous – Jay Leno. Edwards comes across as media-savvy, like a fusion of a Kennedy (not Teddy – some other stem cell), a Southern preacher, and a news anchor. If you look up the word "patrician" in the dictionary, it pretty much sums up Dick Cheney, especially the "often antidemocratic and nonpopular" part.
It is the most opulent, most gorgeous land on earth –
Let's compare and contrast. Tony Blair – Tony's looking old, greying temples, the mad staring eye traveling across his face with awesome anger. But Tony can do media. I'm sure Bush looks comfortable in front of the TV but he doesn't look comfortable in front of the cameras. Tony is, well, tony. He's stylish, classy – he’s confident, he looks and acts the part. Bush is ersatz, he looks and acts like a bunraku puppet – these puppets are four feet high (I know George is 5ft 11 but he appears shorter). Bunraku puppets resemble humans. Their eyes move. To show surprise, they raise their eyebrows. Their mouths open and close and their limbs move. Three operators who work together manipulate the puppets – these operators are called big business, the military, and Daddy. The only real difference between Bush and a bunraku puppet is that we can't see who manipulates Bush. But could that explain the bulge in the back of his jacket?
a land whose wisest are but little wiser than its dullest;
The leader of Her Majesty’s Opposition is Michael Howard – Conservative. Who is he? Above I wrote that “patrician” defined Dick Cheney, same for Howard but replace “patrician” with “vampire” – “a person who preys mercilessly upon others.” A fellow party member remarked that he “had something of the night about him.” The Conservatives are a dying force and here, like Bush, I’m going to go off on a tangent – I was shocked to discover that Ralph Nader is either blocked from the ballot or is contesting being blocked from the ballot in a third of all states. Is this democratic government by the people? How can it be if the system disbars you from voting for the party of your choice? If the Conservative party is a dying force and Howard a member of the living dead, at least in the UK we have a choice of political parties – the Liberal Democrats, United Kingdom Independence Party, Mebyon Kernow, The Monster Raving Loony Party, even the Communist Party.
a land where the rulers have minds like little children...
What about the issues? Iraq - should you (we) have invaded? Bit late now. Should we stay or pull out? The main argument appears to be – who should we apportion blame to in 10 years' time? Both candidates are looking to history and not to the immediate present. They should be asking what has gone wrong. How do we put it right? The second main issue, at least from reports this side of the pond, is healthcare – Kerry wants cheaper healthcare and prescriptions for U.S. citizens. Bush wants to ease the burden on the US medical system by getting as many Americans as possible killed on foreign soil. What’s this about buying cheap drugs from Canada? Why are they cheaper? Why can't the USA manufacture cheap drugs? You’re the gods of schlock. The next issue getting airtime here is stem-cell research. I believe it's getting media space because it wouldn't even be a (t)issue in British politics. This is where religion encroaches on, no -- downright molests -- the state. There would be no dabbling in politics from the Church of England come a UK election. They would mutter through their beards at social injustice, and are sort of Old Labour in their sandals and cardigans, but the church is not a vote swinger here.
...and the law-givers believe in Santa Claus.
I did a quick survey of friends and asked them to tell me the difference between the Republicans and the Democrats. Most could tell the difference but most were unsure about the Democrats’ stance on Iraq. But we all wondered if the bipartisan nature of your politics doesn't lead to hybridization in which you vote Demoblican or Repucratic. I like to think of the American political system as autogamous – you fuck yourself repeatedly.
Your life on earth will be, as always, the interval between two significant glances in a mundane mirror.
Does Kerry have the answer to the problems in Iraq? He doesn’t appear to. However, I’d rather live in a world where Kerry and Blair call the shots than be controlled by the simian-cyclops-vampire-puppet that would be Bush & Howard. Let’s push for a Pax Americana with a little more emphasis on the Pax this time, please.
You will find much that is bogus. Also, you will do much that is bogus.
(All quotes from F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Beautiful and Damned.)
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Scum columns.
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Steve Finbow writes out of London, England. He has worked for the poet Allen Ginsberg, the writer Victor Bockris, and the artist Richard Long. His fiction, essays, and short plays appear, or will appear, in Eyeshot, 3am Magazine, Yankee Pot Roast, uber, Locus Novus, InkPot, Dicey Brown, The Guardian Online, and Pindeldyboz. He is currently working on a novel (Yeah, right). He can be contacted here.