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Cynical Commentary on the State of the Union Speech
With Chris Fara1, Mark Grueter, and Shawn Monks
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Chris
Fara1: This is not a blog. If it were I wouldn’t be getting
paid four grand to write this. And this is not a democracy. If it were
I wouldn’t be stashing these earnings under my Sealy Posturepedic.
I’m excited that the President’s plans were addressed to a
bipartisan crowd - both moderate and conservative. For a moment
I thought the correct side of the aisle would bring the boos, but that
was just a moment. In the end, they decided that silence was still the
best policy.
I would love to be the rare key stroker to bless the graceful medium between
wiseasses and Internet revolutionaries. Unfortunately, I can’t be,
because he who just stated the union has brought out all the comics, hacks,
apathetics and pathetics who would be watching Super Bowl previews if
the country were not at the nexus of divison. Thanks to Bush, everyone
wants a piece of this.
Mark
Grueter: What can I say? As always, the actual State of the Union
is great - “confident and strong” - it is never anything
less. I did think the fat chick sitting next Laura Bush was a nice touch.
She managed to give us all the finger, except she forgot to dip in ink.
(The First Lady, by the way, is looking more and more like something out
of Madame Tussauds, is she not?).
The big contradiction of the night: the President said that “we”
will not impose our values or our system of government on anyone else.
And then two seconds later he talked about exporting “democracy”
to the rest of the world. What if they don’t want democracy? What
if “they” have a different conception of democracy? No matter.
As always with this president, the devil comes in the details.
And then the President gave his usual litany of things he’d like to see more of in America: religious institutions, Wall Street traders, and my personal favorite - community colleges. Well that’s just great.
CF: Unlike Mark, I am not informed enough to predict whether or not the entire world wants democratic “values.” I can say that I’m jealous that Grueter beat me to a punchline about the inked fingers (mine had something to do with how the people making that empty gesture actually stole the shallow crown from Livstrong posers).
Christopher Reeve’s wife is hot. My friend here bets that she hasn’t been laid in years. But I bet if she did get laid, and the brick ended up in the bowl, she would want it to get donated - not sold (as was suggested by the Commander-in-Chief). I always thought stem cell research was an issue of what people can donate. If there’s money involved I’m rolling out the pork sword for any willing embryo donor who wants to ride the pony.
By the way, I can’t wait to see the amount of time that applause took up - which is, at least percentage wise, probably higher than Magic Johnson got during his talk show run.
Shawn Monks (guest commentator): Dear Members of Congress, the Cabinet and Inked Iraqis alike,
I have a grand ponzi scheme to sell: While we have a “strong” Social Security system, it is on the “verge of bankruptcy.”
Just as Reagan before him, George W. Bush plans on gutting our entitlements. Without any Democratic power, he may just get his way. Which leads all of us who have an education beyond seventh grade to ask: what happened to the party of the people?
The Democratic Party is weak. Weak in leadership. Weak in message. The days of Roosevelt (the only president mentioned in Bush's speech) are over. As we so morbidly witnessed, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid are laughable at best. Are the Democrats finished?
MG: I initially neglected to mention that the President came out in favor of asbestos in the workplace (remember that?). As someone who has actually worked in a place contaminated with asbestos, I have to say I oppose the President on this one too.
The lowest moment, however, came when they used the parent’s of a dead soldier as a prop to cynically evoke sentimentality. And the whole inked finger thing was so transparently cheap and corny it obviously doesn’t invite serious commentary.
Monks, you’re correct in suggesting the Democratic Party offers little alternative. Despite a few empty seats and some scattered boos, we all know a slightly modified version of the President's “ownership” agenda will prevail.
The bottom line here is that none of this means a goddamn thing to anyone at all. The real stuff goes on behind the scenes and this is just a show for “the American people” who weren't even watching it anyway.
CF: My man Grueter has shown that there’s nothing to disagree with in this speech. It was bullshit - in even more ways than the economics papers that I write for rich kids who will make more money than me in the long run by working for conglomerates that ride with the preso against every single thing I believe in.
George Bush will have zero impact on gang violence. I bet my Social Security payments that gang-related deaths will only escalate over the next four years. I also predict that many more soldiers will not “come home to family and faith,” nor will there ever be a truly “free and sovereign Iraq” guided by the whip of this administration.
No news here, yo. Yale is still the only community college that W knows about, and none of you homos, activist judges, or poor fucks who rely on that government cheese are invited to orientation.
SM: We need not fret. In Deerfield Beach, Florida there is a brave woman clinching her fists. The spiteful couple in Ft. Myers isn’t happy either. They just saw the President speak. They heard him try to buy them off by indicating he would exempt them from a dismantling of Social Security. Oh and yes, anybody who is disabled for life - bank on your “Personal Savings Account.”
So go get ‘em Grammie. They are wrong. Clinch those fists. Talk to all of your friends about the subversion of an American Institution. It is, after all, our entitlement.
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©
2005 Me Three